10 Reasons We Fear Love

· November 28, 2015

Have you ever consciously allowed yourself to be loved by another person? By nature we tend to run from the things we fear, and love is no different. Many problems arise due to our defenses, distrust and our fear. If you’re not accustomed to being loved, by default you might want to push these people out of your “bubble.” Why do some people fear love? There are many reasons.

Understanding these reasons is the key to ending our fear of relationships. Why do you resist love in your life?

1. When someone loves you, they leave you.

If you’ve ever been dumped, it’s likely that you’ll fear that the person you’re currently with will leave you as well. Of course, you shouldn’t blindly place your trust in people who haven’t proven their commitment to you, but thinking that everyone will do the same is also not the answer.

The key here is to take it slow. Share your worries at the right time and pay attention to their signs of commitment and loyalty.

It might be a good idea to write down these signs of commitment you observe or talk to your partner about them. Keep your feet on the ground and keep moving forward slowly.

2. When someone loves you, they expect too much from you.

Generally, both parties in a relationship expect love and commitment from each other. Some people even do certain things hoping that later on they’ll receive the same back. In these cases, expectations play an especially important role.

It’s important to remember that expectations can sometimes be a healthy part of a relationship, however, it can get complicated because reality can be different than we expected. Each relationship is different. Once again, this is a fear you should share with your partner in order to come to a mutual agreement.

3. When someone loves you, they know too much about you. 

Sometimes, showing other people who we are can make us feel vulnerable. This anxiety is an important barrier for intimacy.

To reveal ourselves to someone, both our positive and negative aspects, can be a risk if we think that our negative traits will make the other person leave us. But this is nothing more than expectations again, that keep us from experiencing a mutual exchange of the joys and hardships in life. In the end, this only increases our fear of being loved.


If you don’t reveal yourself authentically to your partner, they’ll never truly get to know you or accept you. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll love you just the way you are.

4. When someone loves you, they disappoint you. 

Yes, they will. No one can live up to every expectation. People make mistakes, are lazy, fear certain things or forget their priorities. You will, too.

Prepare for this. A great way to deal with disappointment is to let your partner know what your limits are, what your situation is and how you feel. Do so respectfully. From there, you can negotiate what happens next. Why deny your disappointment and rob your partner of the chance to do it differently?

5. When someone loves you, they hurt your feelings. 

It’s true that in many occasions in a relationship, we’ll feel bad or frustrated. But expressing this pain through anger and resentment won’t lead us anywhere. It’s a much simpler way to express the pain. Communicate to your partner what they did to make you feel bad, and together you’ll figure out how to solve the situation.

Anger, resentment and rage will only make us feel worse.

6. When someone loves you, they control you.

If you’re used to being controlled, you can attract people that will control you. Admitting to this fact from the beginning and being aware of it will keep you more alert when starting a new relationship. And if you’re the one in control of the relationship, then you can start thinking about yourself.

But, if you’re still not sure whether control is an important part of your relationship, then you can ask yourself the following things: Do you always say yes? Do you stall or seek interventions? How good are you at making independent decisions?

And remember, if you’re not willing to be controlled, then you can’t be controlled.

7. When someone loves you, they limit you.

It’s also possible to think that when we embark upon a relationship, the other person will limit us. In fact, this is true for some relationships. But when we get together with another person, the point isn’t to lose value but rather to grow together.

Therefore, setting limits for yourself will only make you someone else’s property. And no one belongs to anyone else. The ideal thing is to respect yourself.

Things don’t have to happen how we want them to. They don’t have to go our way. We have to provide freedom for each other and communicate.

8. When someone loves you, your family rejects them. 

There’s obviously a possibility that one or more of your family members won’t like your partner. What then? Listening to their side of the story is a good thing to do. But then, take into account your own choice, your level of satisfaction and how you feel.

The worst thing you can do is refuse to be with someone just because your family disapproves. Everyone is free to choose who they want to share their life with.

9. When someone loves you, you lose your friends. 

Maybe when you’re in a relationship, over time you’ll have fewer friends. But you don’t have to lose them, this is all about priorities. You’re likely to spend less time with them. However, if they’re truly your friends, you won’t lose them.

The fear of losing your friends doesn’t have to be a problem if you know how to distribute your time. In fact, you could even spend some time with your friends and your partner.

10. When someone loves you, you lose yourself.

It’s all about boundaries. How can you be in a committed relationship and not lose yourself?

When you commit to someone, the two of you don’t become one person. A healthy relationship adds another element to who you already are. It doesn’t subtract it.

It might be better for you both to become a team. You are your own person along with someone else. You’ll work together, negotiate, or respect each other mutually, and keep your individuality for everything else.

Analyze which of these is your fear, fight it and experience love fully. Everyone needs to be loved and happy.