Why Having an Insecure Partner is Like Playing with Fire

· February 17, 2018

Having a partner with no self-esteem, whose life is filled with doubting and insecurity, fear and emptiness… needing others to fill them up… This can be just as dangerous as falling into the unknown without a parachute.

A person who doesn’t know what he wants turns love into a deadly game of subtle irresponsibility.

Let’s talk about relationships. When most of us start a relationship we want to make it happy, dignified and meaningful. We want genuine life partners, worthy lovers and mature people capable of building a solid, rewarding relationship. That’s what we crave with all our hearts. However, we have to admit it, sometimes the reality isn’t so shiny and pretty.

“If you want to know where you’re going, find out first what you’re fleeing from”
-Ajandro Jodorowsky-

According to Dr. Sandra Murray, professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo and expert in relationships, insecure spouses can truly sabotage a relationship. Moreover, dynamics like that, where one person never knows what he wants, doesn’t make a clear investment in the relationship, and doubts everything and everyone is actually a very common thing.

Another interesting thing Murray explains is that many women who start relationships with insecure men right after having left a complex, stormy relationship with a narcissistic partner.

They see a man who, at first glance, doesn’t seem so self-centered, and it’s attractive. Seeing that he’s fallible, shy and insecure can draw us in. He’s human, we think.

However, as they begin to live together, they notice sharp edges in their relationship. It’s like the tip of an iceberg we collide into. Cold and destructive.

Let’s dive in a little deeper…

Insecure relationships: a couple kissing.


What a relationship with an insecure person ends up in

At first, like we mentioned, this insecurity can be attractive. There’s something endearing and even seductive in vulnerable people who admit their fears and weaknesses.

And of course, there are always those who fall in love with these people thinking that they can change them. They want to play the role of savior.

However, let’s be clear about this. No one should enter a relationship and try to “save” someone from their low self-esteem. No one is a magician capable of making another’s fears disappear. 

Why? Because we cannot change someone’s personality overnight. Sometimes we won’t be able to do it at all. Such a tricky feat is their responsibility: the one with that insecurity and emotional immaturity on a daily basis.

The consequences of getting together with an insecure person are many. Read on and see what they are.

relationship problems

An insecure person in love has consequences

Like we said, some are attracted to an insecure person after ending things with a narcissistic person. Well, interestingly, narcissism and extreme levels of insecurity have very similar behavioral patterns in relationships. In fact, the wounds they cause are not that different.

  • Insecure people are characterized by a constant need for approval and external recognition. Remember, if people don’t know what they want, then their self-esteem is in danger. It’s as if they were a bicycle wheel constantly getting punctured, and needs to be taken off and inflated.
  • Another common aspect has to do with erratic behavior and moodiness. There are emotional ups and downs and constantly changing life goals. Living with an insecure, immature partner is like giving our heart to someone who doesn’t know how to take care of it. They may lose interest without notice, and then the next day needs you like the very air he breathes.
  • A need for control is also a common trait. This lack of personal security often leads to mistrust, doubts about the relationship and fear of abandonment, deceit or betrayal. Thus they’ll often feel the need to control almost every thing their partner does.

As we can see, having a relationship with a person who has not spent time on their own personal growth, who is full of fear and unable to give themselves completely to the relationship may be the worst decision you could ever make.

What can we do if we live with an insecure person?

We should point out that there are differing degrees of personal insecurity. Some are fully aware of it and try to manage it as much as possible.

However, there are also those who have no idea of the predicament they’re in. They don’t try to accept it and deal with it. Instead, they choose to put up a barrier of thorns around them. Anyone who gets too close is destined to suffer.

  People are usually afraid of love and this is because they fear those things that they know will transform them …
-Pablo Picasso-

So, the first step to take if you’re with an insecure person is to get them to accept responsibility. To understand that their insecurity is causing problems in the relationship.

an insecure relationship

At the same time, we need to try to live our own lives. Don’t let it be shaped by the needs of the other person. This way, we won’t waste our breath trying to “inflate” the other person’s low self-esteem. Nor will we ride that emotional roller coaster.

Remember that a wise love is not fickle. Those who really know how to love know exactly what they should be caring for and fighting for.

There is no place for permanent insecurity in a healthy relationship. There’s no room for an attitude of today I love you with half a heart and tomorrow with a full one.

Let our lives be filled with a courageous, respectful, colorful and rewarding love. 

Images courtesy of Lora Zombi