I Don’t Want Consoling Lies; I Want The Truth, Even If It Hurts
I do not like consoling lies or half truths, and I hate complete untruths even more. I prefer the truth, even if it hurts. Even if it tears my soul in two, because at least I will be free to take the path that I choose and to heal my wounds with time.
As children, it is normal for us to be taught to always tell the truth. That being said, in the end, there comes a moment when we tell a lie for the first time: to avoid punishment, to get something we want, to adapt to a situation…
Sometimes, it only takes one lie to put all other truths in doubt. This is where we lose it all, where our integrity, our worthiness fades away…
Clearly we all have used these “half truths” at some point in our lives. However, if there is something that we are sure of, it is that there are different grades of lies and that the nature of many depends on the situation that we find ourselves in. Nothing happens if, when we are asked, “how are you?” we respond “fantastic.” Even if it is a lie and we are going through a bad time, we understand that it is a simple formality.
Untruth acquires its negative nuance if we hurt the people around us with it. There are people who make use of lies because they are afraid that the truth will hurt too much or that the consequences will affect them in a way that they do not want.
Lies make us prisoners and condemn us to lead empty, false lives lacking authenticity. Without a doubt, we are all hurt by those behaviors, those attitudes of people who say they love us but who pull the wool over our eyes while they repeat that everything is fine. Nothing is wrong…
Merciful lies will never be acceptable
A merciful lie or a lie that seeks to offer consolation will never be tolerable. None of us has the right to act in such a paternalistic way, thinking that the other person can’t handle or does not deserve to know the truth.
What hurts are not the lies or the falsehoods pronounced with admirable wholesomeness. What hurts, what bleeds within our souls, are the truths that are kept silent and the words that are held in.
If you have ever been lied to, what probably gathered up inside you is an uncomfortable mixture of anger, incomprehension, and sadness.
The disappointment brought about does not always come from the fact that they have hidden reality from us; sometimes what yields despair is that they thought “we did not deserve” to know it.
Merciful lies really hide a lack of personal maturity on the part of the person telling them. They demonstrate a lack of empathy and social skills.
Maintaining a relationship, a bond, be this in the family, a friend, or a partner, implies upholding some essential ethical codes: respect, understanding, and emotional integrity with oneself and with the other person. Lies discredit the person who tells them and humiliates those who hear them. It is a bond destined to cause suffering and disillusionment, for whether we believe it or not, lies, like the morning sun, always end up coming to light.
There are people who say that it is impossible to practice “sincerity to the max” that hides nothing and reveals everything. We would be speaking about that sort of “sincericide” that equates personal opinions with absolute truths. So, they reveal them without any sort of filter and independent of the damage that they may cause.
We are dealing with something very simple: my truth makes you free, my sincerity allows you to grow by taking the direction that you desire, because in our relationship, there is no room for lies or silences that hide realities.
The truth hurts once, a lie hurts anytime you remember it
They say that the truth hurts, that lies kill, and that doubt leads to despair. They are all wishes, human emotions that we have experienced in our own flesh and blood. Nobody is immune to them.
Do not worry if you make me cry with the truth; I prefer this to you destroying me with a lie and continuing to act as if nothing was wrong, as if everything was fine.
We deserve to establish honest relationships based on respect and recognition. Even if it is true that we also have a right to our personal spaces, to our secrets or intimacies, a lie will never go hand in hand with an aware and mature relationship.
Why do we lie?
At this point, it is very possible that you are wondering why we lie. These are the main explanations:
- To avoid a consequence that we do not want. A negative reaction from those around us upon telling the truth, causing pain, ending up alone…
- To adapt to an environment that we consider threatening or complex. For example, let us think of our adolescents and their need to lie about some characteristic of themselves to fit into a group.
- To achieve a goal. Lying on our resume to get a job, lying to a potential partner to seduce them…
We have all experienced each of these behaviors at some point in our lives, be this firsthand or through another. However, it’s also important to remember that it’s not only about telling the truth, but also receiving it.
There are people who prefer to live in ignorance. They apply these maxims: Not knowing so as not to suffer, not seeing so as not to cry…
Anyone who prefers to live in a lie, is afraid of dealing with the truth and he does not know how to handle a difficult situation. In these cases, letting it “fall on deaf ears” is used as a defense mechanism through which they avoid facing the problem.
Keep in mind that honesty is the most important value if you want to undertake a life project with another person. So then, always demand the truth, because it will be the only way to build that relationship with steadiness and integrity.
Never say the opposite of what you think, do not tell lies if you want to be happy, and never be afraid of the truth, because only that will make you free and allow you to grow as a person.
Images courtesy of Amy Judd