Keys to Connecting With an Introvert

Keys to Connecting With an Introvert
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 15 November, 2021

You have to find the right moment to connect with an introvert. Connecting with them involves approaching them and finding out that they can be great conversationalists. We can also learn that these people make great friends. Under their somewhat distant appearance, they know how to listen, avoid gossip, and form strong and loyal bonds with their friends.

If we look at introversion through the eyes of literature, we’ll notice one thing. It wasn’t until 2010 when this type of personality shed its negative image. Books like Silencio showed the importance and power of introverts. They have a whole series of positive virtues and characteristics.

“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not over-stimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.”

-David Foster Wallace-

In 1935, psychologists Davis and Rulon published a study where people discussed introvert’s interests. They didn’t define social withdrawal, as many thought. They had enough skills to be involved in any society. Scientists distinguished them for their commitment to their ideals and their great skills as conversationalists.

Scientists severely criticized that last fact at first. In those years, introversion was associated with pathological shyness where the person lacked sufficient social skills. That idea was banished in recent years. We can’t forget that introversion isn’t a single trait. Each of us situates ourselves at a point within that continuum of introversion and extroversion.

A girl sitting quietly.

How do you connect with an introvert?

We already know that introversion isn’t the same as shyness. We also know that there are no shortcomings in terms of social skills. Introverts don’t have any pathological component that makes it difficult for us to connect with them. In reality, what defines them is a series of behavioral dynamics that go in conjunction with their mental focus, their emotions, and even with a brain that processes information differently.

  • These people prefer quiet environments. They may avoid socializing or gathering with large groups of people. Hence, these type of overly-stimulating scenarios deplete them psychologically.
  • They’re introspective, observant, and imaginative.
  • They have few friends and prefer small circles of friendships with who they establish strong and meaningful bonds.
  • Introverts prefer deep conversations, don’t like gossip, nor attract attention.
  • They’re thoughtful.
  • They work with intrinsic motivation. Also, they stay true to their values and don’t need to get along with everyone.
  • They have artistic passions such as music, writing, and drawing.

Knowing the preferences, behaviors, and dynamics that shape an introverted person, now let’s see the keys that can help us connect with these kinds of people.

1. Go slow and respect time and communication channels

We have to understand one aspect when it comes to connecting with an introverted person. When you’re speaking to an introvert, you have to remember that you’re talking to a more serene person. Therefore, our first conversation with them shouldn’t be overbearing or imposing. You shouldn’t be too bold or demanding. This is a turn-off.

The ideal way to approach an introvert is to accept their rhythm and pace. The best way to do this is by starting a conversation that interests both parties. It’s also important to understand that there are certain communication channels that introverts tend to avoid. They don’t like regular phone calls. They prefer more meaningful messages and conversations.

2. An onion with interesting layers

Introverted people have many layers. They’re like onions who hide valuable, luminous interiors. Knowing how to reach these layers in order to connect authentically requires you to respect times.

We must be sincere, humble, and coherent at all times so that we can establish a good friendship or relationship with that person. 

A man walking into a door.

3. Don’t make them the center of attention

It’s not a good idea to throw them a surprise party. You shouldn’t organize birthdays where guests fill a room and they’re the center of attention. Something like that would work with an outgoing personality, but not with this profile. Create special moments where everything is simple and spontaneous with just a few people. You should do it in places where there’s no pressure. They shouldn’t feel forced to do something they don’t want to do.

4. Meaningful conversations

Avoid talking about yourself for too long or using small talk. In these cases, they’ll listen to you but won’t really care about what you’re saying. To connect with an introverted person, choose more intelligent, deeper topics. Ideal conversations include common interests such as books, television series, goals, or projects. Basically, you should talk about related values that you share.

5. Pleasure in silence

Sharing silence with another person can lead to magical moments. It’s in these moments where people feel natural. Silence isn’t forced, and attitudes and conversations can be natural. Your surroundings should be peaceful and have a calming effect. Silence should create a bond between both people. That complicity can last a lifetime.

6. Respect their personal space

You don’t have to see them every day or call them every two hours. There’s no need to explain exactly how we spent our day or every single thought we had. Introverted people need their alone time to recharge their energy and nourish themselves. They need to balance that alone time and enjoy their own passions. Although an introvert needs alone time, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to have friends or family.

To conclude, connecting with an introvert can be easier than we think. Even more so, relationships with introverts are very rewarding. They’re treasures that can last a lifetime.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.