To Be Happy, You Have To Believe You Deserve It

September 26, 2016

Happiness is just as accessible to you as pain, simply by being alive and by being aware that you are. Being happy is accessible to everyone. That is the first premise that we must recognize when we are drowning in those catastrophic thoughts. The only catastrophe that cannot be solved is the one of not being alive.

If things keep going wrong for you, it is because you have given into discomfort because you believe that it is what you deserve.

You may wonder: What have I done that is so bad that I cannot even aspire to feel somewhat better? If you reflect on it, you will realize that you do not deserve so much self-inflicted suffering.

Why do many people refuse the possibility of being happy? It is important to know what is behind this emotional masochism so that we can detect them and change our behavior. Remember that in order to be happy, you have to believe that you deserve it.

What is happiness?

Happiness depends on two fundamental factors: how you view yourself and how you view your experience between yourself and the world. At the end of the day, happiness is an attitude.

Happiness is a state of mind that is opening to experiencing. However, the mind and what we think about ourselves almost always ends up limiting us.

Woman in Flower Field

Maybe because of your personal experiences or the education you received, you believe you cannot be happy because you do not deserve it. But you are wrong. There is nothing in this world that denies a person the chance to feel happiness.

Furthermore, if you find yourself going through a difficult situation, remember that other people have already gotten through the same or similar circumstances. The difference? They believe that all the suffering they went through validates their desire to feel good again.

What mechanisms do we use to refuse happiness?

It is important to analyze the so-called “death drive” that Freud defined and the phenomenon of learned defenselessness confirmed by Martin Seligman, or responses to anxiety like unmaking and depersonalization. Below, we are going to reflect on the reasons why people deny themselves the chance to be happy:

  • Learned defenselessness. Some people have adopted a passive role in which they consider pain to be something that it is their job to deal with and they can do nothing to avoid it. Learned defenselessness happens when the person gives up on everything and feels like they can do nothing to improve. They no longer fight to defend themselves.
  • Unmaking. This is when a psychological distance appears with respect to the reality that surrounds a person. That is to say, it is as if their surroundings and contact seemed strange to them.
  • Depersonalization. This refers to a distance and psychological estrangement with respect to oneself. The person does not make an effort to come out of that state or to seek happiness because they do not know what is the right thing to do in the situation. They are lost, broken, disconnected.
  • Death drive. It is very difficult to understand some behaviors, such as anorexia, as if in that strict and dangerous behavior, there were some sort of power. Beyond the physical danger that these eating habits imply, those suffering with this disease feel that they have to control themselves very strongly or keep harming themselves, as it is their only way to find pleasure: This is what Jacques Lacan called “pleasure” and Sigmund Freud “death drive.”

What do these phenomena tell us? Well, that when somebody hits rock bottom, feels guilty, and is not able to overcome their past, they enter a state of life in which they do not live, they are only present and nothing more, and they do not feel worthy of being happy.

When a person believes that they do not deserve happiness, they isolate themselves and take on behaviors of self-punishment to correct their mistakes. They do nothing because they believe that nothing is worth doing and they stop considering themselves a person.

Mask and Cherry Blossom Petals

If you believe you deserve to be happy, act accordingly

How many things have you given up or are you giving up due to fear, lack of self-esteem, or due the feeling that you cannot find your place in the world? There are countless psychological theories and techniques that can help you with your social skills, with your negative patterns, or to plan concrete actions. There is also medication, although nothing has been created yet for pain in the soul.

The best thing for the soul is for you to connect with it again so that you can feel that it is hurt, but not dead. Your spirit likes to rejuvenate itself. You already know what some people say about rejuvenating yourself or dying, and it seems that for many of them, it is going pretty well.

So gather the energy that you don’t believe you have and fill your life with experiences again. So that when you die, your life will be full of experiences, not dreams. If you do not believe that you deserve it, then think about how your life will be and how the life of those you love will be if you don’t break this pattern.

And do not forget that if you don’t start building your happiness, nobody else is going to be able to do it for you. Only you know what you need and how to get it, so that you can be happy, and the first option is to accept yourself and believe in what you are worth…