You Can't Love Another Until You Know How to Love Yourself

You Can't Love Another Until You Know How to Love Yourself
Raquel Aldana

Written and verified by the psychologist Raquel Aldana.

Last update: 14 December, 2021

They made you believe that “great love” only happens once, and usually before you’re 30. They didn’t tell you that love isn’t simply turned on like a light switch. Nor does it only come at a certain time in your life.

They made you believe that each of us is half an orange and life only has meaning when we find the other half. They didn’t tell you that you’re born whole, that no one in life deserves to carry the burden of feeling incomplete.

They made you believe in the “two as one” formula. That the only proper way is for two people to think and act the same. They didn’t tell you that this kind of process actually cancels you out. In fact, only by being an individual with your own personality can you have healthy relationships.

They made you believe that marriage is compulsory and that you must repress any doubts about it. They made you believe that the cute and the skinny are always more loved. Furthermore, they made you believe that there’s only one way to be happy, that it’s the same for everyone, and that those who escape from it become outcasts.

A woman lying on a whale, representing loving yourself.

They didn’t tell you that these formulas are wrong, that they only frustrate people. In fact, they’re alienating. However, there are alternatives.

Unfortunately, no one will tell you this. Every one of us has to discover it on our own. In fact, it’s only when you love yourself, that you’ll be able to be really happy. Then, you’ll fall in love.

“We live in a world where we have to hide to make love while violence is practiced in broad daylight.”

-John Lennon-

Love can’t wait until tomorrow

How many times have you thought that your love was kind of unbalanced? How often have you given so much more than you got in return? How frequently have you exhausted all your strength and just given in and surrendered? s You probably haven’t even kept count of how many times.

It seems that you can’t conceive of love without sacrifice, pain, and submission. You make the mistake of working more on loving others than loving yourself. You create crazy kinds of love and you become unbalanced. As a consequence, you say goodbye to your patience, self-knowledge, and hope.

You often seem to expect miracles in your relationships. You wait and wait for love. You keep hoping and hoping it’ll come along. However, you should never leave love until tomorrow.

Never do with love what a child does with their balloon. They lose it by playing with it. Then, they cry because they’ve lost it…

Growing up is learning to say goodbye

Saying a proper goodbye takes a lot of effort. Above all, it’s extremely painful. You often hold yourself back due to your fear of saying goodbye. Then, although you don’t realize it at the time, you lose your way.

When you love, you mustn’t lose your individuality or change your way of looking at the world or living in it. In other words, love doesn’t feed on submission, but on freedom.

It’s all a matter of preference rather than need. As a couple, you should reaffirm yourselves. You should grow together. Furthermore, you have to be what you want to be, whether that be an orange, a pear, a banana, or a mango. However, whatever you are, you’re completely whole on your own. You don’t need another half to complete you.

Therefore, if you don’t have a relationship where you’re two different and unique people who enjoy both your separate and joint lives together, it’s better to say goodbye and let go. After all, they never really belonged to you anyway.

“If love were a tree, the roots would be your self-love. The more you love yourself, the more fruits your love will give to others and the longer it will last.”

-Walter Riso-

Learn to love yourself, then do it with whoever you want

For this reason, you have to learn to say “I love myself” before “I love you”. Only then will you know true love. Love isn’t a game or a competition. It’s not about winning or losing, but about growing.

However, highlighting the importance of your self-care above all others is extremely complicated. Nevertheless, it’s the only way to not feel empty and desolate. To keep your heart full.

Sowing your field with the seeds of self-love, lovingly fertilizing them, and protecting the fruits from storms will help you nurture your love for others in a healthy way. For this reason, before thinking about loving someone else, you have to first ask if you really love yourself. It’s the only way to generate lasting and unshakeable emotional bonds.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.