Find Someone You Can Be Vulnerable With

· December 8, 2017

Finding someone you can let yourself be vulnerable with is one of the best signs that your relationship is working, according to one of the most important studies on relationships. Although the research concluded in 2013, the new book, The Secrets of Enduring Love: How to Make Relationships Last, shares the conclusions with the public. 

This study revealed that a bond of mutual trust is what connects couples the most. It is important to have a place where you can be who you really are, without the social, work, or family pressure that we constantly have to deal with. That feeling of freedom when you’re with your partner, knowing he or she accepts you in spite of your flaws, is key to a long-lasting, rewarding relationship.

All relationships go through different stages. Whatever stage we are in, feeling secure enough to be vulnerable with our partner is a good sign that we are in a healthy relationship. 

Vulnerability is necessary for a relationship to grow. We need it to for intimacy. It allows us to open up to the other person and reveal the most fragile parts of ourselves. These parts make us strong, but they can also cause a lot of harm.

One example of this is allowing the other person to see how what they do affects us, or letting them see our scars. These are the scars that still affect us today, and when these scars formed they closed a deep, painful wound.

No relationship or friendship is as secure as the one that is free. Only that based in free love will last forever. Wishes always make you vulnerable.


When our partner makes us feel safe

Safety and security is a basic desire of human beings, essential yet not. That’s because it is a need that is never completely fulfilled. Relationships are scary, but they also give us those beautiful butterflies. Setting this curious paradox aside, we can say that there are few certainties in relationships.

a couple holding hand, trusting and vulnerable

 

Everything is a matter of probabilities. In that sense, according to the study referenced in The Secrets of Enduring Love: How to Make Relationships Last, a high level of security (trust) is one of the best indicators of happiness in a couple. Interesting, right?

Love is what nourishes this kind of trust. Most of us tend to have internalized that idea from childhood. We trust those who love us, and at the same time, we feel inclined to love those who inspire trust.

When we trust our partner, the brain produces a state of well-being and security. There isn’t a lot of room there for stress. And the bond of trust that we form with our partner allows us to create a safe space where we can be vulnerable.

To understand trust, you don’t need to confront it. You should make it part of yourself.

Why do we hide our most vulnerable side?

Hiding or protecting ourselves is a natural reaction when we feel we’re in danger. On the other hand, vulnerability can be a powerful voice for this feeling of danger or threat.

Many people wear a mask, afraid to show certain parts of themselves. They worry that someday someone might use that information to attack them and hurt them. However, in a relationship, you have to balance this feeling with your need for intimacy. You should be able to enjoy this intimacy. Otherwise it is impossible to build trust with your partner because trust breeds trust.

a woman removing a mask

One of the most complicated things we humans have to do is get to know ourselves. But remember, the more we know ourselves and accept ourselves just how we are, the less we’ll fear being vulnerable. We will be able to feel stronger in our vulnerability, instead of weaker.

“When you can be vulnerable in front of someone… then it must be love”

-Elisabet Benavent-