The Wounds of Hyper-Romanticism
Who hasn’t ever wanted to feel like a princess or prince? Who has not felt like they were bleeding to death when someone they loved abandoned them? Who hasn’t needed Prince Charming to come and he never did?
The human being possesses a double-edged sword called fantasy. Fantasy has inspired us to make discoveries, create wonderful stories, write beautiful songs, etc.
But we often fall into the trap of believing certain imaginary ideas, and we take them for granted as if they are completely true and real, when they never have been and never will be.
Fantasy is great for fairy tales, but obviously, real life is far from resembling a fairy tale and we don’t need it to either.
Love and fantasy
Today, we have a problem with the subject of love. We have believed that finding romantic love is one of the most important goals in our lives because without this love, we can never become happy people.
We have associated happiness with romantic love, “true” love, with “without you I’m nothing”
Society and culture tell us that without our better half, we will be incomplete beings, miserable people doomed to unhappiness and loneliness. And the problem is that we actually bought these ideas and that’s why we suffer so much for love.
Our fear of being alone, not having someone by our side who loves us unconditionally and who we love just as much is so intense that we fall into certain irrational behaviors which are harmful for us and for our partner.
In the name of love we are capable of abandoning ourselves, lacking respect for ourselves, carrying out actions that threaten our dignity and losing our individual freedom, our tastes, and our dreams.
Where do the hyper-romantic ideas come from?
If we remember certain movies or books, we realize how the lovers were able to sacrifice their lives for love, as if it were the sole source of gratification which we cannot do without.
Since we were very young, we have seen princesses waiting anxiously for Prince Charming to come rescue them from a somewhat miserable life.
If this prince never came, they could not enjoy life under any circumstances. This filled us with the harmful concept of developing a dependence on the other person.
We can see another very clear example in songs. Many songs speak of romantic love and say something like: “give me back my life,” “without you I’ll die”, “if you leave I won’t be able to breathe”, etc…
I don’t deny that they are beautiful songs that you can enjoy, but again, the fantasy must have a limit.
“I love you because I want to love you, because I have chosen you and I like being by your side; not because you are essential to my happiness. I don’t need you, I prefer you…”
We are neither princes nor princesses and are not in a fairy tale. This is real life and if we want to be happy we must stick to what we’ve got.
Love is nothing but a set of chemical reactions that one day, like it or not, no longer occur. And this is neither good nor bad, it’s normal.
Feelings do not last forever. They are not eternal like the songs say. The figure of everlasting, unbreakable and perfect love does not exist and if we fix our gaze on living in a fairy tale, we will suffer greatly if any holes in our relationship arise.
Communing with these ideas, we have a good chance of falling into emotional dependency, irrational jealousy and depression the day we are abandoned.
Our mind is telling us that we need someone to be happy. We do not know how to separate desire from necessity and because of this, two very bad things happen:
- We suffer a lot of anxiety, searching over and over for that someone who has to “take us out of that hole”; which will lead us to many disappointments and failures and then make us feel miserable.
- When we have already found that someone, we will always be very anxious about the possibility of losing them, making us unable to enjoy that relationship.
So how should we act?
It becomes necessary to become aware that no one needs someone in order for them to be okay. Mature, lasting and healthy couples do not tell themselves that they are either together forever or the relationship will be a failure.
They like being together, they want each other, they love each other, but they don’t need each other at all. If tomorrow things don’t go well, life will offer them many more opportunities.
This is true love and this is what we should say:
I love you, but I do not need you. I love freely because I like being with you, because we have a good time together.
But not because I need someone beside me, not because I am afraid of loneliness, and not because I depend on someone to rescue me from anything. Not because you have to complete me, for I am already a complete being with my faults and virtues.
I don’t care whether you’re here or not. I don’t need you, I just love you.
I love you, but I am the most important person for myself. I’ll give you a lot of myself, but I will keep myself from getting lost in the process. If we are happy walking next to each other, supporting and helping ourselves, fine, and if not, that’s fine too.
I want to kiss you every time I wake up and go to bed, I want to hug you with intensity, I want to build a future with you, I want to hear I love you come from your lips, I want to travel together and enjoy life.
“I want, I only want it…but I need it even less.”